Nothing to Lose
by hyenateeth
Summary: Do you think your impending death can wait a bit so we can get some coffee?" "Are you asking me out?" ItaHida, yaoi, profanity.
1. Prologue: Meeting

Warnings: Yaoi, ItaHida, a very serious topic not being taken seriously at all, crack, swearing.

This one is surprisingly silly.

... No comment.

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Itachi took a deep breath as he looked over the edge of the bridge into the river below. This was it. All he had to do was climb over the railing and...

"Hey!"

Itachi jumped a little and whipped his head around. Who was that? Was someone really stopping him now?

Looking to his right he saw a man with slicked back silver hair, about his age, sitting there, feet dangling over the edge, arms resting around rail posts.

"Yo," the albino greeted, flashing Itachi the peace sign.

Itachi blinked, unsure of what to do. How had he not noticed this man before?

"Hi," he decided on, not thinking of anything else to say.

The man grinned at the acknowledgment, rocking back a little so his chest was no longer pressed against the railing. Wordlessly he patted the ground beside him, an odd yet clear message.

_Ah, what the hell,_ Itachi mused and sat next to the albino, assuming a similar position against the railings.

A silence followed, broken suddenly by the pale man asking a question Itachi didn't expect.

"So," he asked, glancing at Itachi. "You gonna kill yourself?"

Itachi blinked bewilderedly again, then, deciding there was no point in lying, answered. "Yeah, I was thinking about it. You?"

The silver haired man nodded. "Yep, decided today would be the day. The weather's nice."

Itachi had not been aware weather was a factor.

The black haired man shrugged, staring blankly forward across the water.

After a minute or two of silence the albino spoke again.

"We shouldn't do it at the same time you know." He was grinning at Itachi again. "They'll call it a lover's suicide."

Itachi stared back at Hidan. "They will?"

The man nodded. "Oh yeah, definitely."

"Oh."

More silence. This time Itachi spoke first.

"Well than which one of us will it be?"

The man shrugged. "Well I bet I've been trying longer. But you looked awfully determined back there." He was grinning like he was joking, but Itachi was sure it was no joke.

The albino kept musing out-loud. "But if one of us goes first here the other could completely loose there nerve. Or the cops'll call it a murder. If one of us goes today the other will have to wait a few days... Fuck, this is complicated!"

Suddenly the silver head whipped around so pink eyes could meet Itachi's gaze.

"Do you think your impending death can wait a bit so we can get some coffee, work on scheduling?"

Itachi was stunned. "Are you asking me out?"

The man shrugged and made a gesture towards his surroundings. "Well we definitely have something in common don't we?"

This logic was... astounding.

"Sure," muttered Itachi, pushing himself up using the railing as leverage.

"What do I have to lose?"

**END PROLOGUE.**

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...

Yeah, this ones odd. But really fun to write!

Little disclaimer, I am fully aware that suicide is a very serious topic but... This is meant to be comedic. Um... I'm sorry if it offends you for whatever reason I guess. It's not like I'm the first person to have something slightly controversial in a fanfiction though...

Hidan's a little silly and OOC right now.

I am going to write more of this but... I'm not sure where I'm going to go with this. Usually when I start a series I at leat have a vague idea what's going to happen, but not with this one!

Anyway, review please, no flames, yes constructive critisism. Constructive critisim makes me smile! (It's very late here. I'm tired.)


	2. Unprepared

Warnings for the chapter: Lots of profanity, ItaHida, casual talk of a serious topic, my possibly unsuccessful attempts at comedy, general weirdness.

Man, this one's still weird. A lot of this was written when I hadn't slept in about 20 hours... so yeah, that's my excuse.

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Itachi was by no means an inexperienced man. Sure, he was raised rich, but not sheltered. He went to public school, he knew about reality. He knew how to fight, how to smoke, how to drink.

Yes, there were few situations Itachi didn't know how to deal with.

This was definitely one of them though.

Never before had anything remotely close to this had EVER happened to him before. Questions were piling up in his mind faster then his mouth worked.

So he just stood behind the albino man silently as the bizarre man ordered two mocha cappuccinos, fishing the proper amount of money out of his jacket pocket and, strangely enough, his shoe.

While the barista shuffled behind the counter to get their coffee the albino whirled around, signature grin planted on his face. "So," he said, speaking to Itachi for the first time since asking what he wanted to drink. "What's you're name?"

Itachi blinked and flushed. _Oh god,_ he thought. _Am I really going out with someone who's name I don't know? _He was, he really was.

"My name's Itachi. Er, Itachi Uchiha." He said quickly, willing his cheeks to stay a normal color. "You?"

"Hidan." chuckled the albino, giving Itachi the undeniable feeling of being laughed at. "I am the extraordinary Hidan, at your service."

Way too many questions...

Suddenly Hidan whirled back around just in time to grab the coffee from the barista before she could say anything, whirled back to Itachi and announced very loudly "Come on motherfucker, let us sit!" and handed Itachi his coffee.

Itachi had never been more unprepared for a situation than he was now.

He tried his best to ignore the stare of the other costumers as he followed Hidan to a table in the coffee shop window, but found himself mentally trying to apologize a mother who kept glaring at him.

Hidan reached the table first and before Itachi could stop him pulled the chair out for Itachi, bowing as the dark haired man sat awkwardly.

He then stomped over to his own chair opposite Itachi, sat in it and threw his legs up to rest on top of the table.

"Well, Itachi, considering the way you've been staring at me for the past 10 minutes I assume you have questions, comments, concerns..." Hidan trailed off, waving his hand as a way to prompt Itachi to speak, taking a sip from his cup.

Itachi paused, trying to organize his thoughts, but before that happened he heard himself blurting "You are so weird!"

Hidan let out a sharp cackle, shifting so his feet were back on the ground. "Hey, I just asked you out, _you're_ the one who said yes!"

Itachi fell silent again, because damn if it wasn't true.

Hidan chuckled. "You're too serious. Drink your coffee. Andele."(1)

Itachi quietly took a sip. It was pretty good.

Hidan stayed quiet as Itachi drank his coffee, his pink eyes impossible to read as he stared at him.

There was silence.

"You're staring at me." Itachi finally muttered.

"You're funny." The silver haired man responded.

Itachi stared back at Hidan, trying and failing not to feel offended, then finally asked the question most prominent in his mind.

"Are you actually suicidal, or is this just some fucked up scheme to pick up the emos?"

The albino cracked up.

Itachi wondered if he was bipolar.

When the laughing subsided Hidan finally responded, chuckling slightly. "No, as much as I do enjoy dating the uh, 'the emos' as you say, I am not sneaky enough to think of such a bizarre plan. You really are funny though. You should do stand-up."

Apparently Itachi didn't get the joke.

"No, no seriously though, we probably need to talk about that though. Tell me, was this going to be your first attempt?"

Itachi blinked at the man's sudden personality change. "Um, yes..."

"Good for you. Was gonna be my... 9th? I think it's 9. I have a bad memory."

He definitely had to be crazy, or maybe he was a druggie. Normal people didn't talk like that.

"So do you have any schedule on your death? I mean, do you need to die by some specific point in time?"

_Fuck, who cares if he's crazy_, mused Itachi. _You agreed to this, and he seems to mean well. _

"Not really." he muttered. "Just... I don't know, the sooner the better."

"Mm-hm, well I don't think today would be good. That magic moment's kind of... gone you know?" (2)

The scary thing was that Itachi was pretty sure he did know.

"You know, maybe discussing this in a public place isn't such a good idea..." The albino's voice suddenly lowering, pink eyes flicking over to a young blonde woman who was watching them. He glared at her and she instantly whipped her head to look at her book again.

"Look," he continued, turning back to Itachi. "My roommates should all be out tomorrow evening, maybe you could come over and we could talk more. I'll cook."

Itachi stared, unprepared for the fact that this man had actually just asked him out a second time.

He was even more unprepared when he heard himself agreeing.

**END CHAPTER 1**

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**(1)Spanish, means something along the lines of "Hurry up." I know it's a little weird that he's randomly speaking Spanish, but I'm half Mexican, and while I can't speak it I do use occasional terms like that speaking normally. Sometime my dialect reflects in my writing. ...It makes sense to me.

2: black55widow, I hope you don't mind that I kinda quoted your review. It made me laugh. :D

Hidan you sly dog, you already got another date already!

Anyway, it's progressing. No, they haven't discussed why they are suicidal yet, that will come.


	3. Thump

Mmm, I was going to write this earlier but, uh, you know, Wizard of Oz came on, and I love that movie so... you know... (That's a joke, read the chapter.)

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This was his last chance. It really was. It was his last chance to leave, it's not like Hidan knew anything about him, could find him, his only issue would be that he would have stood up a potential crazy man, and really, there was witness protection for that.

He could get out now.

But no, Itachi Uchiha found himself knocking on the door of the apartment that Hidan had given him the address of.

There was no answer. Oh, if god had mercy Hidan would not be home.

But he made the mistake of knocking a second time and was this time greeted with a loud thumping noise from within and an unfamiliar voice shouting "Hang on!"

Two loud thumps followed, then the door shot open, revealing an annoyed looking man with long blond hair and an only halfway buttoned dress shirt.

"What do you want un?" snapped the blond, glaring at Itachi.

Itachi blinked, thrown off guard. "Um, I'm here to see Hidan..."

"Name?"

"Wh- er, Itachi..."

"Right," snapped the blond before slamming the door closed again.

Itachi was thoroughly confused by this point and his instincts to bolt was growing stronger, but he heard the blond shout from inside. "Hey Hidan! Some dude's here to see you un!"

A more familiar voice answered. "Who?"

"Said his name was Itachi un."

"Ita- Aw fuck! He's early!"

A loud series of thumps followed the exchange and the door shot open again, this time revealing a flustered and shirtless Hidan.

"Itachi!" he half shouted. "You're here early, my roommates are still here! Er, that was Deidara, he's one of my roommates, sorry if he slammed the door on you, he just gets really fucking pissy when he has to wear a suit, it's a long story, oh, you should come in!" The albino babbled before suddenly grabbing Itachi's wrist and dragging him inside the hallway on the other side of the door that seemed to lead into some kind of living room. He stopped short and leaned toward Itachi, who jerked back a little, but Hidan only leaned in and whispered "Tell them we met at the Red Cloud Cafe. I work there," then he pulled away. "Oh, and just jump over any furniture that's in your way."

Itachi decided he just needed to stop being surprised by the strange things this man kept saying.

Hidan led Itachi down the hall a few more feet before they reached the entrance, where, sure enough, there was a couch blocking it. Hidan jumped over it, and Itachi realized where the thumping had come from.

"Are you coming?" asked Hidan, like having to jump over a couch to enter a room was completely normal thing to do. After a long pause Itachi resigned himself and climbed over the couch.

"Sorry it's such a damn mess." Hidan said as Itachi climbed over the couch, grinning and pushing loose hairs out of his face. "I tried to clean up but, uh, you know, Wizard of Oz came on, and I love that movie so... you know..."

"That's fine." muttered Itachi, looking around.

Damn. It was messy. Really messy. And for some reason all the entrances had some kind of blockage. What the hell?

"Make yourself at home!" said the albino suddenly, flashing a toothy grin that startled Itachi. The man had really white teeth. He almost wondered if he whitened them.

Suddenly the blond from earlier jumped over a chair that blocked a door on the other side, ran in, grabbed a black tie off of a coffee table, went to go back the way he came, then paused and turned back. "Hidan, what have we told you about greeting guests half naked un?"

"Shit!" shouted Hidan. Then to Itachi, "I'll be right back! Sit anywhere!"

The albino then ran to the doorway blocked by the chair, jumping over the chair as he exited.

"Um, not to be rude..." Itachi said slowly to Deidara, who was still in the room. "But is your friend... crazy... or on drugs or something?"

Deidara sighed. "I really wish you were the first person to ask me that un. No, that's just Hidan un. I'm Deidara by the way."

Itachi nodded politely. "Itachi."

"Hidan told me," mumbled Deidara. "Excuse me un." The blond then went back the way he came and began calling to someone. "Danna! Can you show me how to tie it again?"

And Itachi was alone. Awkwardly he turned to look at the couch he had jumped over and inspected it. It was old and one of the cushions looked torn.

He sat down anyway. Damn.

Itachi had not been on a lot of dates, but this one was definitely one of the weirdest.

And now he couldn't run.

"Should've gone for the witness protection," he muttered to himself.

**END CHAPTER 2**

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So, short chapter, a little filler-y. But the next chapter will be their date so it will be longer.

Um, their apartment was a silly idea, but basically I just wanted to have repetitive thumps coming from the apartment, and then I had to think of why, so it's them jumping over the furniture that blocks their doorways. My idea there was that they have a lot of furniture but no where to keep it.

Oh, and Hidan has three roommates, who are: Deidara, Sasori and Zetsu. And also, I will not be bashing any characters in this. A couple of characters I dislike will be in it, and characters that I like but have wide... hatebases? (Like a fanbase but... hateful.) But, I will not be bashing them. If I seem like I am bashing a character, it is probably necessary for story you enjoy character bashing, go to some of my other fanfics. (Some of them.)

Oh, and if anyone has any opinion on me writing a series of HidanxAkatsuki oneshots, please go to my current poll on my profile.

Review, don't flame.


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